It Sucks To Be Me - Jordan Gelber, Stephanie D'abruzzo, John Tartaglia, Rick Lyon, Ann Harada, Natal

KATE MONSTER Morning, Brian! BRIAN Hi, Kate Monster. KATE MONSTER How's life? BRIAN Disappointing! KATE MONSTER What's the matter? BRIAN The caterine company laid me off. KATE MONSTER Oh, I'm sorry! BRIAN Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I always thought - KATE MONSTER What? BRIAN No, it sounds stupid. KATE MONSTER Aww, come on! BRIAN When I was little I thought I would be... KATE MONSTER What? BRIAN A big comedian on late night TV But now I'm thirty-two And as you can see I'm not KATE MONSTER Nope! BRIAN Oh Well, It s*cks to be me. KATE MONSTER Nooo. BRIAN It s*cks to be me. KATE MONSTER No! BRIAN It s*cks to be broke and unemployed and turning thirty-three. It s*cks to be me. KATE MONSTER Oh, you think your life s*cks? BRIAN I think so. KATE MONSTER Your problems aren't so bad! I'm kinda pretty And pretty damn smart. BRIAN You are. KATE MONSTER Thanks! I like romantic things Like music and art. And as you know I have a gigantic heart So why don't I have A boyfriend? f**k! It s*cks to be me! BRIAN Me too. KATE MONSTER It s*cks to be me. BRIAN It s*cks to be me. It s*cks to be Brian... KATE MONSTER And Kate... BRIAN To not have a job! KATE MONSTER To not have a date! BOTH It s*cks to be me. BRIAN Hey, ROd, Nicky, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second? ROD Ah, certainly. KATE MONSTER Whose life s*cks more? Brian's or mine? NICKY AND ROD Ours! ROD We live together. NICKY We're as close As people can get. ROD We've been the best of buddies... NICKY Ever since the Day we met. ROD So he knows lots Of ways to make me Really upset. Oh, every day is An aggravation. NICKY Come on, that's an exaggeration! ROD You leave your clothes out. You put your feet On my chair. NICKY Oh yeah? You do such anal Things like ironing Your underwear. ROD You make that very Small apartment We share a hell. NICKY So do you, That's why I'm in hell too! ROD It s*cks to be me! NICKY No, it s*cks to be me! KATE MONSTER It s*cks to be me! BRIAN It s*cks to be me! ALL Is there anybody here It doesn't s*ck to be? It s*cks to be me! CHRISTMAS EVE Why you all so happy? NICKY Becuase our lives s*ck! CHRISTMAS EVE Your lives s*ck? I hearing you correctly? Ha! I coming to this country For opportunities. Tried to work in Korean deli But I am Japanese. But with hard work I earn two Master's Degrees In social work! And now I a therapist! But I have no clients And I have an Unemployed fiance'! And we have lots Of bills to pay! It s*ck to be me! It s*ck to be me! I say it s*cka-s*cka-s*cka-s*cka- s*cka-s*cka-s*cka-s*cka- s*cka-s*cka-s*cka-s*cka- s*ck! It s*ck to be me! PRINCETON Excuse me? BRIAN Hey there. PRINCETON Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live. CHRISTMAS EVE Why you looking all the way out here? PRINCETON Well, I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper! Oh, and look - a "For Rent" sign! BRIAN You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him. PRINCETON Great, thanks! BRIAN Yo, Gary! GARY COLEMAN I'm comin'! I'm comin'! PRINCETON Oh my God! It's Gary Coleman! GARY COLEMAN Yes I am! I'm Gary Coleman From TV's Diff'rent Strokes I made a lotta money That got stolen By my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt Of everyone's jokes, But I'm here - The Superintendent! On Avenue Q - ALL It s*cks to be you. KATE MONSTER You win! ALL It s*cks to be you. BRIAN I feel better now! GARY COLEMAN Try having people stopping you to ask you "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" It gets old. ALL It s*cks to be you On Avenue Q (s*cks to be me) On Avenue Q (s*cks to be you) On Avenue Q (s*cks to be us) But not when We're together. We're together Here on Avenue Q! We live on Avenue Q! Our friends do too! 'Til our dreams Come true, We live on Avenue Q! PRINCETON This is real life! ALL We live on Avenue Q! NICKY You're gonna love it! ALL We live on Avenue Q! GARY COLEMAN Here's your keys! ALL Welcome to Avenue Q!