Couldn't Keep The Pizza Lit Lyrics

Some girl's banging on my door the other day at four o'clock in the morning. I was like, "What in the world?" You know? So I got up and let her out. Tell you what, I was madder than Janet Reno's blind date.

I met this guy a while back, looked like Shania Twain. Only a little shorter, and, uh, faces were different. I was drunk, it looked like Shania Twain. Next morning Mark Twain is laying there next to me there, he--ho, ho--she was ugly, now. I take her to Glamour Shops, get her an estimate, you know. She was--man, she was ugly right there. She had marks on her from where people had been touching her with the ten-foot poles!

I don't like Miami too much though, there's a lot of drugs and stuff. I was down there in broad daylight, car drive by, says, "You want some cocaine?"

I'm like, "No, officer."

I don't do drugs. I don't know what I'm doing. I tried smoking mushrooms once, couldn't keep the pizza lit, you know, so I quit doing that. I tell you, I was madder than a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy lake, I tell you what.

Has it ever happened to you when you make love to your girlfriend and the dog licks your hind-end?
Now that--Lord, I apologize, for talking about the dog licking my crack there, and be with the starving pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen.

I'm trying to teach my dog safe s*x but he keeps licking off the rubbers. That's funny! I don't care who you are, that's funny right there! If you don't think that's funny, you get out of here right now, 'cause. That's a good program right there. Preacher told me that joke. That's right.

Git-R-Done!

Larry the Cable Guy - Lord, I Apologize

Oct 2001

1. I Made The Big Time Now
2. Looking Good At The Flea Market
3. Couldn't Keep The Pizza Lit
4. No Hair-Just A Redhead
5. Keep The Chips Fresh
6. Jump In The Air And Get Stuck
7. Let Me Eat Your Shorts
8. Can't Understand My Accent
9. The Worst Dentist I've Been To
10. Martians Got A Thing For Redneck Fellas
11. Going In Circles For Two Hours
12. People Like My Analogies
13. Toddler Mail
14. The Larry The Cable Guy Song