Couldn't Keep The Pizza Lit

Some girl's banging on my door the other day at four o'clock in the morning. I was like, "What in the world?" You know? So I got up and let her out. Tell you what, I was madder than Janet Reno's blind date. I met this guy a while back, looked like Shania Twain. Only a little shorter, and, uh, faces were different. I was drunk, it looked like Shania Twain. Next morning Mark Twain is laying there next to me there, he--ho, ho--she was ugly, now. I take her to Glamour Shops, get her an estimate, you know. She was--man, she was ugly right there. She had marks on her from where people had been touching her with the ten-foot poles! I don't like Miami too much though, there's a lot of drugs and stuff. I was down there in broad daylight, car drive by, says, "You want some cocaine?" I'm like, "No, officer." I don't do drugs. I don't know what I'm doing. I tried smoking mushrooms once, couldn't keep the pizza lit, you know, so I quit doing that. I tell you, I was madder than a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy lake, I tell you what. Has it ever happened to you when you make love to your girlfriend and the dog licks your hind-end? Now that--Lord, I apologize, for talking about the dog licking my crack there, and be with the starving pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen. I'm trying to teach my dog safe s*x but he keeps licking off the rubbers. That's funny! I don't care who you are, that's funny right there! If you don't think that's funny, you get out of here right now, 'cause. That's a good program right there. Preacher told me that joke. That's right. Git-R-Done!