Grandpa's Thanksgiving Story Lyrics

This is the story of the first Thanksgiving, once again by my drunk grandpa:

Many years ago...Christopher Columbus and his pilgrim buddies come to America on a boat called the Mayflower to live because the English King wouldn't let the Jewish people go.
So Moses, who was a friend of Christopher Columbus, rented 3 boats: the Mayflower, the Santa Maria, and the USS Enterprise.
When they landed on America, and indian squaw, named Sacagawea, met them and traded them pelts for beer, and then showed them how to de-gut a rabbit.
That night her friends danced around with their boobs hanging out and balanced clay pots on their heads.
The head pilgrim then baptized all the Indians to be Christians and they shot turkeys and played horseshoes.
It was General Custer's birthday, and three Oriental Kings showed up with gifts of myrrh and other crap.
Many pilgrims did not survive the first winter because they didn't have heat because Jimmy Carter who was president of the Pilgrims had an oil embargo.

Sacagawea and her Indian friends burnt buffalo turds and heated the camp.
The pilgrims was thankful.
However it smelled so bad animals come outta the forest two by two.
The Lord then made a rainbow appear, to show that he would never make turds burn again, and cause a horrible smell.
Sacagawea fell in love with Kemosabe, and they were married on that first Thanksgiving, and lived in a tent with wheels. That's right.
All the pilgrims were glad to be away from the king, and to beat that they all landed right on Thanksgiving day.
Charlton Heston was then elected president.

My grandpa was REALLY drunk.

Larry the Cable Guy - A Very Larry Christmas

Nov 2004

1. Christmas Commentary
2. The Christmas Story
3. Santy For A Day
4. Oh Holy Crap
5. Fat Holiday Relatives
6. Singing Christmas Tree
7. A Letter To Shania Twain
8. O Little Girl From Birmingham
9. Waiter Commentary
10. Donny The Retard
11. Pissed-Off Christmas Poem
12. The Most Wonderful Ass
13. Titty Bar Christmas
14. Easy-To-Assemble
15. The First Queer Santy Claus
16. Fruitcake Commentary
17. Santy Claus, Santy Claus
18. I Pissed My Pants
19. Christmas Weight Gain
20. Grandpa's Thanksgiving Story
21. On The First Day Of Christmas
22. Redneck Santa Claus
23. Hark, The Hairlip Angel
24. A Letter To Santy Claus
25. Sticks And Horse Turds
26. Call A Doctor
27. Gift-Giving
28. I Wish My Mother-In-Law'd Get Hit By A Car