I'm Sorry

No, I never was in Vietnam I never once dove into an empty swimming pool I never let the carpet walk right out from under me I never painted a house or a tree I never did become an exotic dancer Or a customer service representative I never took the pulse of a dying duck Or gave mouth to mouth resuscitation to a horsefly In a way I suppose you could say My experience is quite limited, for example I never locked Oliver Cromwell in a brrom closet While singing Waltzing Matilda I never sawed a television in half Although I once saw Wendy O'Williams saw a guitar I never played a decent game of jacks I never played poker with a toothless one eyed pirate Who kept picking his teeth with a bowie knife To distract me while his parrot looked over my shoulder And told him what cards I had by using an elaborate code Involving vomiting, chirping and sea shanties I never bought a lamp, wait I did buy a lamp once But I never bought a lantern or a lambskin profolactic I never bought Lima beans or lime pudding I never bought a lion or a Lionel Richie album I never bought anything beginning with the letter "L" Except lollipops, light bulbs and lettuce, and the lamp I never layed down for a nap And found the Everly brothers in bed with me I never let a cyborg take out the garbage I'm sorry I stole the radio, I did it I sawed the legs off the periodic table I re-elected the President, I did it It was my fault, I farted in the church I'm sorry I did many many bad things And I am so sorry